Rising and sinking

August 26, 2007

Last night I had that sinking feeling.  It wasn’t necessarily sadness but the realizing of the temporality of existence.  For the length of the day, yesterday, I returned to one of my boyhood passions, volleyball, in a beach tournament with my brother.  I played all day! Even though I play volleyball throughout the year I don’t often get to play with my brother since he lives out of state and only returns to Virginia Beach sporadically.  We share a certain intuition when we are on the court that we honed during our youthful games under the summer sun long ago.  Being with him, playing, I was thrown back to earlier times, when we had days, weeks to just be boys.

During the tournament we persevered through 100 degrees celsius on court conditions and sand hot to the touch.  Muscles cramped and we soothed our bodies in the undulating waves of the ocean.  We started at 9AM and left the beach ten hours later the winners of our division, easy smiles on our faces and tentative walking back to the car.  We played and won and received the lucky gift of validation.

Returning to my sister’s house we were treated like champions and reveled in the sweetness of family support.  Surrounded by loved ones, playing a passion all day and reaping the rewards of success I found myself at the pinnacle of happiness.  Life!

And on the ride back home with my wife and nephew that sinking feeling found its way into my being.  A response to my great high, something was released inside of me to counteract and perhaps balance my day.  My mind took me to the eventualities of the ending of times such as these, when family is not there or the body cannot play like it once did.  I looked at my wife and felt a surge of love for her and the growing life within and immediately pictured my grandparents, my parents as young couples and their anticipation of their first child.

These mind wanderings were at times just emotions that brought forth blurry images and I could just watch them pass by.  Sometimes I would get caught up in these minor storms of thought and follow them through the circuitry of my brain.  And sometimes I felt like I was sinking and often I felt the rising above, a free floating that relishes both the ups and the downs.


6 Responses to “Rising and sinking”

  1. Karen Says:

    I adore this post, especially since I also highly value my relationship with my brother. Your post is very fitting because he is coming to visit next weekend, and he has a bum knee (surgery to follow) – so hiking is out. My brother and I are always hiking!

    Indoor games such as scrabble, pictionary, and monopoly are always fun!!

    Congrats to you and your wife!!

  2. hope Says:

    This was a very lovely post. I especially like the way you described your “mind wanderings” and awareness of the continuity of life.

  3. gautami Says:

    I know that surge of sinking feeling which is not sad. It comes when I least expect it.

    I have a great relationship with all three of my brothers and they with each other. This post of yours warmed my heart towards them yet again. Maybe I should call them and tell them how I feel. Sisters can but brothers don’t. Tell that is. That does not mean that they(brothers) don’t care.

  4. Tumblewords Says:

    Nice post! I can surely relate to it and enjoyed reading of your passing sinking feelings…

  5. Matthew Says:

    Thanks Karen! Sorry to hear about your brother…I’m glad you have other shared activities in which to engage.

    Hi hope, thank you!

    Yes Gautami for me too. One moment and I feel the pit of my stomach. After awhile it passes and I can only wonder to the cause. I hope you called your brothers!

    Thank you Tumblewords.

  6. Kathleen Taff Says:

    Hi Matt,

    I hope you remember me. I was thrilled to read that you and your wife are expecting your first child.

    Rob’s mom, Kathleen

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