Fearless

April 14, 2008

Clouds

If I were fearless I would walk out the doors right now and into the sunshine and spring goodness. I take a breath so deep my lungs inflate and my feet leave the ground. I float into the branches of the tree overhead and laugh at the leaves tickling my face and arms. Above the tree now the fear comes back and I flail my body trying to descend or at least gain control. I can do nothing and yet I rise.

My speed seems to be picking up the people into ants and the buildings into lego blocks. The air is cooler and I’m glad for the sweater. Looking east I see the Atlantic extending into blue brilliance and I stretch out willing my body to travel in that direction. But all I can seem to do is go up. Clouds obscure my view of the land below until *poof* back into view comes a snippet of green or gold. I’m breathing faster from either lack of oxygen or growing excitement. Will I leave the atmosphere?

I’m really high now. I don’t feel my body any more and the reflections of the sun off of the clouds is almost too much to bear. My eyes close and I float away, the space inside and out supporting me as the fear drops away.

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Photo catch-up

April 8, 2008

The little girl is growing up–twelve weeks on this Saturday–so I thought it might be fitting to share a couple of recent photos. I am constantly amazed and delighted by the gifts of fatherhood and this from someone who was not too sure if kids were ever going to be a part of the future. Even the night time wake-ups or extra messy diapers offer a certain brand of joy when I stay in the moment and know that in that instant I am just there to help out a little being getting used to the feel of a new world. The baby smiles and coos are just the cream on top of this joyous feast.

May I have your undivided attention.

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Can you tell that I am smitten?

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Still cold enough for the occasional hat.

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Beauty! (But isn’t that what all fathers say?)

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Facebook flush

April 8, 2008

I’m spending more time on Facebook. I played Scrabble as a boy with my Grandfather so the Scrabulous application is now one of my suckers of time. An unexpected side-effect of the social networking site is the past relationships that have of a sudden been reignited. High school classmates are now my “friends” and we exchange pleasant emails to catch up on the last ten years or so. Old college drinking buddies want to know what is happening in a life that has dramatically changed since the times when happy hour was the main concern on a Friday evening. All of this re-visiting of past selves leaves me feeling a wee bit strange. Caught between wanting to take the next step of face-to-face contact and knowing how limited my time is, I waffle (along with them) in a dance of reconnection without mention of a possible future.

And maybe we are not meant to have the physical interaction. Perhaps for some these fleeting wall posts and comments on photos might just be the new definition of the relationship. For the old friends in far-off lands I don’t expect much more from them or me. Though I must admit at least one instance over the holidays when we were invited to a party from a friend with whom I’d reconnected, had a fun time and did not strain one bit over the conversion from electronic to physical interacting. I guess if it works then go with it, Facebook allows the ties to come back together and I get to decide that next step.

A Road to get lost

April 6, 2008

It is easy for the wandering soul to get caught up in the movement of the body as a remedy for stirrings of frustration and anger.  Hit the road and don’t look back on the troubles that can seemingly be left behind.  Get someplace, the body stops moving and the inherent difficulties rise again to the surface.  Must keep moving, thinks the soul, wrong kind of crowd here or I don’t like the looks of this place.  Back into the car or bus, maybe by foot or other means of locomotion the traveling soul starts to realize that no place will ever be quite right.  So–do what you can to generate a little income or better yet stick out the thumb and see what lies around the next bend in the highway.  As long as I can get away from here, as long as I can leave now then I will not have to face what is following me wherever I go.  I travel to lose myself in the hum of the tires on the road hoping that the destination will never arrive.

Prompt from Writer’s Island.

 

Big Responsibilities

March 10, 2008

A few days ago I picked up my wife from our neighbor’s house and came to the realization that this couple (both past retirement) is quite extraordinary.  Besides being one of the only households that welcomed us to the neighborhood a few years back, they have also brought into their home two of their grandchildren who they have raised since birth.  G and I do not know the story behind the parent’s disappearance though we suspect drugs or mental illness are involved since both parents are alive.  Knowing how much energy is required in raising a child I have only admiration for the love they give to their two little ones.  They have a boy four and girl three and warm smiles for strangers and neighbors alike.

G also has a co-worker who is in the process of taking in five of her brother’s children as foster children.  Again drugs and alcohol are involved, the mother is dead and the father can barely keep himself alive or out of jail.  This couple, nearing retirement, looking forward to travel, etc. will be taking into their home boys and girls ranging in age from four to twelve.  She is quitting her job to take care of them and with an overflowing heart will try to help these children find a stability and safety that has yet to exist. 

When I come into contact with individuals who have made a life decision so huge and giving I want to reach within myself and share all I can find that is good and worthy.  Eh, perhaps this post is the natural reaction to the saints that walk among us.

No more play, no more school

February 29, 2008

The dictum has finally been handed down and we have been told at work that no games can be played and no schoolwork can be done.  Which I must agree is right.  And frankly I’m relieved.  I’ve gotten caught up in playing Scrabble with friends via Facebook and commenting on discussion boards post in Blackboard.  See, when you work a public service desk at a library there is plenty of downtime.  On a slow evening you may help a handful of patrons in hours of desk-sitting.  After the side-projects are done and email is read it is just you and the internet.  What to do?

Mostly I just read.  And I used to write on this here blog until I got swept away in the game frenzy.  Fortunately the blog priviledges have not been taken away so perhaps, if I can find it in me, there will be more postings.  We shall see.

On the homefront me and the two G’s are all still adjusting to the new life.  I no longer remember the days of the uninterrupted sleep though that price is well worth the enjoyment of being a father.  I’m constantly amazed by the little being that miraculously has come to live with us!  I know about the science of birth but the utter mystery of creation leaves me dazzled.  Looking into those tiny eyes I fall into the stillness of the unknown.   And as a bonus my singing voice has returned to the delight of all:-0

Grace

January 31, 2008

Grace made her grand entrance on Saturday January 19th, weighing in at 7lbs. 10oz.

To say that life has changed would of course be an understatement. My self-identity has been morphed to include this precious baby girl and I now have a new title to add to the resume, Dad. Fortunately I have been off from work since the birth to better assimilate Grace into our family. My other G is a wonderful Mom and so patient with a little being that may cry on occasion and always wants to feed. (Which of course means diapers to be changed).

Sleep is now a resource that must be snatched whenever the opportunity presents. Amazingly though a body that has gotten 8+ hours of sleep for years can soon adjust to an intermittent 5 or 6.

My priorities are now shuffled and the first couple of attempts to focus in on schoolwork were unsuccessful. I strongly feel the pull of the tribe and want to stay with the two Gs without interruption. Do I really have to go back to work or turn in that assignment?

Throughout the birth process and the days afterward I feel such gratitude for all of the wonderful people both near and far that have helped to welcome this newest member of the family. I feel renewed.

Thank you.